Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
