I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
