Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Semen is not good for contacts.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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