The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
That accounts for only three of the penises
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
