What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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