all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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