I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
