So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
