Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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