I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize
