Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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