So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
