dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
