i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
