I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Randomize
