So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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