I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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