as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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