Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
