I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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