is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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