Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I accidentally burped into my bong.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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