So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
