she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
