I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
