I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
