why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
