im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
