I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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