First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Two words: nipple clamps
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