I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
