worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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