i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
