Umm I'm too high to move.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
