I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
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