I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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