I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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