Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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