i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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