i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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