Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
