It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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