That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
