I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
