Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
