dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
