He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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