he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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