I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
