Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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