The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
