just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
