No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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